Scarlett’s (and my) NICU aftermath…

This story is likely going to be more difficult for me to share than the first. 

Scarlett was born in December right in the middle of the holiday chaos. The first few weeks of her life after her time in the NICU was a hands on, crash course, full time parenting boot camp plus the business of the holidays and traveling. It was the most difficult learning experience of my life but also a great season that we got to spend with our snuggly, newborn baby girl. Finally, after the New Year and about 3 full weeks of time off, Blaze went back to work and the dust quickly settled. 

Needless to say, being a new mom was a huge adjustment for me. I never imagined I’d be a mom; I never planned on having children. So here I am, home alone with a newborn, with nothing to do other than think…and think. My husband worked an hour and a half outside of town so I couldn’t meet him for lunch or coffee. I was stuck in my house with my thoughts and too afraid to go out by myself with a newborn. Honestly, I didn’t know what to do with a baby. Do I hold her all day? Lay her down in a safe position? How to you entertain a newborn? What if I needed to use the bathroom…can I leave her alone? Do I take her with me? I had no idea what I was doing. Just a few months ago I met a mom who had her kids back to back and she said that she had several “stations” of toys, bouncers, etc. that she would just rotate the kids in throughout the day. “Wow; that’s a great idea” I thought. Apparently, I didn’t even know there were enough of those items to even rotate throughout a day. Who knew? 

I started feeling very trapped; trapped in my home, unable to barely move or even go to the restroom because I was afraid to leave her alone even for just a minute. Because of her NICU stay I was still really concerned with her weight so I was still nursing every 2 hours which (breastfeeding) is a story of its own.  For those that are thinking of breastfeeding it is so worth it. Scarlett is so healthy now but nursing is not an easy task, especially at first. 

Scarlett dictated her own schedule. I remember being up late at night nursing her while my husband went to sleep so that he could get up early for work the next day. I felt alone even though he was right beside me (asleep).  She would nurse herself to sleep then I would ever so gently lay her down on the swaddle blanket I had already prepared, slowly swaddle her in, and lay her in the pack-n-play that she slept in, praying that I wouldn’t accidently wake her up before I could finally get rest for myself. She’d wake up in the wee hours of the morning when I’d take her in the nursery to change her diaper and feed, which could sometimes take up to an hour. I felt alone. By the time she woke up again, my husband had already left for work. I’d get her up and start the whole routine again. I felt alone. Once I finally started to get the hang of things, I no longer felt afraid to go out with her but by that time she had gotten into the “always crying” phase so, of course, I didn’t want to take her out where everyone would stare at us while she cried. Anyway, what was the point in getting out if she was just going to cry? It was still too cold to go outside to do anything. So…I felt alone. 

Naturally, weekends were better. But I’m the kind of person who puts way too much thought (like WAY too much thought) into how other people feel and what they’re thinking or, more accurately, what they will think in a certain situation so when Scarlett was hungry I would isolate myself when around most people to feed her as not to offend anyone else. I was isolated and alone more often than not.

Google was not helpful. Google taught me that you were “not supposed” to watch TV or be on your phone while breastfeeding so, for a while, I didn’t. Again, I was simply left to my thoughts. I began to reminisce on our NICU days and how I felt robbed of the normal experience that I wanted. Nothing seemed to have gone as planned. I spent 24 gruesome hours in labor because I was induced. I was supposed to have labored at home as much as possible then go to the hospital for my natural birth. Looking back, I wish I wouldn’t have let them induce me especially since I was perfectly healthy and so was Scarlett. The pain, immediately after delivery, was so intense that I don’t even remember most of it including the first time Blaze held Scarlett. It seemed like I barely had time to shower before they took her off to the main NICU. Someone had bought us this adorable floral swaddle with matching bow that I brought with me to the hospital for pictures that I never got to use. We didn’t have time for cute pictures before she was hooked up to machines and tubes. They gave her antibiotics in the NICU which really annoyed me because she didn’t need it. Again, my newborn was exposed to chemicals that she should not have been and I did not want. Someone came around and asked if I needed help setting up her first pediatrician appointment as if I was already a bad mom and wouldn’t have done it otherwise; or so I felt. When they released her from the NICU, I put her in the first warm outfit I could find so that we could just bust out of there as quickly as possible. It was already late in the day and we didn’t have time for cute outfits and sweet pictures to commemorate going home. I felt robbed and I was mad at God for it. He knew that I didn’t plan to have kids in the first place so why would he give me a child only to put me through a horrible situation bringing her into the world? Furthermore, why would He allow such feelings of doubt and loneliness to creep into my mind during a time that I should be bonding with my child? It became such a dark season for me which made me even madder at God. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone, either; perhaps I was embarrassed or scared. I felt alone. 

At 10 weeks I started back at work (2 days in the office and the other 3 from home) hoping this would help and it did for a few weeks but the insecurity and loneliness just crept its way back in. I kept thinking that certain conditions would make it better; once I start work it will be better; if Blaze can get a transfer closer to home it will be better. But it was never the resolution I needed.

Someone mentioned postpartum depression and I thought “nah; that’s not me. I’ve never had depression so why would I have it now?” Then I thought “maybe it is postpartum depression.” I decided to at least mention it to my doctor. She asked if I felt hopeless and if I was having a hard time bonding with my baby.  “No” I responded. I had no trouble bonding with my baby and I didn’t think I felt hopeless. Eventually, I found out that I had postpartum thyroid issues which can contribute to the types of feelings I was having. My physician prescribed a medication for the thyroid (which, you may not know about me yet but I don’t do medication). However, I did take if for several months and it did begin to bring my levels back to normal. I’ve since switched to a supplement but I can 100% contribute my restoration to God. 

Let’s finally get to the good part of this story because God’s grace is so sufficient and filling. God never said you can’t come to him with your anger and frustrations and you bet I did. I screamed and yelled, cried and pointed my finger in blame at God several times. I had lost my hope. Expressing my true, raw feelings to God actually made me feel better, though. Over and over I told Him the truth of my heart; the good, but mostly the bad and ugly. Eventually, I started to see the good things in my life including a happy, healthy, beautiful baby girl and began to give thanks for the things God had blessed me with. After months of turmoil inside my own mind, I finally allowed Him to speak back and just like that, without hesitation, He came in with grace, tenderness, forgiveness, love, kindness and the gentleness that I needed and slowly started mending my heart towards Him but also changing my outlook of the situation. Giving thanks, even for the smallest things, slowly changes your mindset. It blows my mind at how much power is behind the act of giving thanks. Honestly, I can say that I now see things differently. I’m not perfect and still fail but God sends me subtle reminders: the beauty of the river with the mountains towering over, the sunrise, the sunset, my daughter’s laughter, cool/crisp mornings. If you want God to show you joy then all you have to do is look for it. 

Something changed in me after that year. My heart is in a different place; a better place. If you’re going through a difficult time, no matter what it may be, and feel hopeless or lost, don’t just “give it to God” as many would tell you. Give your pure, genuine, raw honesty to God regardless of what that may look like but know that the joy is always there waiting for you to find it and God will respond with the same gentleness and kindness that I experienced. Don’t give up!

Psalms 16:11 NASB   “You will make known to me the path of life; In your presence is fullness of joy; in your right hand there are pleasures forever.”